This evening, I attended a dinner party with family members. A highly successful evening, but a number of small yet embarrassing blunders made me wonder; am I the only one who encounters these things? And if I'm not, how do others make these situations better (slightly less cringe-worthy)? Here's a quick list of the many accidents I encounter at social events, and my coping strategies.
1) A Kiss Too Far
A situation I encounter multiple times at dinner parties, family parties and seeing friends' parents. You go in for the cheek kiss, pull away, and then they go to kiss you again. You don't have time to move your face, so instead you are frozen in horror as those perky peckers go in for the second offensive - straight to your own lips or the corner of your mouth. This situation's advice is also applicable to the surprise kiss; when you didn't actually realise this was the particular social etiquette applied to the situation you have found yourself in, and shockingly you get a nice big wet one smacked right on your lips. What can you do? Usually I will make an awkward joke along the lines of "Oh Jim, I never knew you felt that way!" or "You could've warned me we were being continental Barbara!" The outcome I can expect is an equally awkward laugh, or very red cheeks and being ignored for the rest of the evening by the kisser.
2) Sorry, That's MY Side-Boob
Being a larger bosomed lady, I often find myself in impasses where my assets have got too big for their boots (or indeed, the over-shoulder-boulder-holder). An innocent hug turns into the start of a sleazy porno just by the appearance of The Boys. The worst is, of course, table terrors, where the simple act of leaning over to grab a serving dish or bottle of wine creates chaos as your gigantic milk pillows topple over glasses, bottles of liquid condiments and, horrifyingly enough for me on one all too memorable occasion, an entire bottle of red wine. I now expect the awkward laughter from fellow diners, and perhaps a misplaced spot of humour from an inconsiderate member of the party regarding chest size and puns. Note to anyone who does this: yes it is offensive, and I don't appreciate the idea that I'm being ogled at a party unless I deliberately got them out because you're famous or really fit.
3) So Anyway, Where Was I?
How much is too much? A question which will appear frequently in this guide of mishaps and mischief, it appears here in its initial form of the dreaded small talk. Just when does a tangent become a whole new topic? Joking about my elderly grandpa's senility and ability to just trail off at the end of the sentence, I experienced for the first time this evening the horror of forgetting where exactly your story was going. Tangents are a tricky business as if you go too far, you can't return to the end of your story, leaving you in one of two positions; other members of the party going off on the tangent thus leaving your story unfinished, or having everyone look at you expectantly as you desperately try to recover yourself. Luckily in this instance someone took up the mantle for me, allowing me to breathe a sigh of relief. However I have observed times where cruel diners have left the speaker to flounder and desperately put themselves back on track, by which time no one cares what you had to say because you have been completely humiliated. I have no idea what I would do in this situation: suggestions for both sides wanted!!
4) Platter Problems
The return of "how much is too much?" is here, with the sticky subject of food. Is it socially acceptable to pile your plate high with the fare provided by your (hopefully) charming host, or should you stick to the rule of less is more? Having eaten somewhat heartily today I felt that one portion was perfectly fine for me, although the men around the table went back in for seconds. This made me wonder if this is just a question for the women who go to dinner parties; are we so concerned about looking thin in front of others that we deny ourselves the food we desire, or do we really feel full? Because I won't lie to you, I was incredibly tempted by another portion. Then there was the issue of the sides. Two pieces of garlic bread enough for you, or would you like the whole damn baguette? Who will judge you if you do eat the whole thing? If everyone else has had some, then surely that's okay? This also follows into dessert. Portion size remains a problem, but when you are offered something to go with it which the host would have to travel to get, what do you do? I actually really wanted some ice cream with my lemon tarte, but as nobody else asked for any and I didn't want to be the one to make the host move then I didn't. Probably a good thing as it's all extra calories, but at the same time I bloody love vanilla pod ice cream.
5) "It's not like Cocktail is it?"
This is a situation I constantly misjudge. I like a drink, and I do know my limits, but what is the actual dinner party limit? A couple of glasses before dinner, a glass over dinner and then straight to coffee? Because I feel I failed to recognise this limit. Half a bottle of prosecco before eating, three glasses of red over dinner and then a coffee strikes me as slightly excessive (and markedly more than anybody else around the table). But equally I don't feel that a single glass of wine throughout the evening is acceptable unless you're driving. If anyone has any idea of the acceptable limit which doesn't leave you feeling as if you missed the boat, but equally doesn't result in you jumping on the kitchen side to perform 'Cabaret', please let me know because I desperately tread this fine line. This situation is made doubly awkward when coffee/tea is served, you find it foul, but don't feel like you can ask for another.
6) See Ya Later, Alligator
You feel the party is winding down, and start thinking about elasticated waistbands and a cheeky episode of QI on Dave before bed. You reach for your shoes, put your coffee mug down, and then someone brings up politics/religion/same sex marriage/holiday photos. Now you're scuppered. All you really wanted was to go home and curl up on the sofa, but now you've been dragged into a long conversation with the inevitable outcome of "Let's agree to disagree, shall we?" Someone will ask your opinion, but you've already drifted off into thoughts of crisp bedsheets and the orders of the next day. Embarrassed at being caught out, my trusted fallback is to smile and nod, trying to avoid being drawn into any further discourse at the risk of being caught out about a) not hearing, b) being slightly drunk or c) having slightly outlandish views which probably aren't appropriate to be voiced at this time.
I hope you've enjoyed my foray into the acceptable standards of society. Please feel free to answer my questions or pose your own solutions to these problems below.
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