When Life Gives You Lemons

I wake up some mornings and I don't like myself. Today was one of those mornings for some reason. I hate these days because I go straight back to where I used to be 3 years ago; staying in bed all day until I can't stand the feel of the sheets any more, sitting in a room watching Jeremy Kyle with the lights off, refreshing my Facebook feed constantly, smoking endless cigarettes and constantly debating whether or not I should eat. Now it's 3pm and I'm still in pyjamas, I've only eaten a Creme Egg and I have no motivation. Everyone has days where they want to cry, and that's of course completely normal. I don't think I'm suffering from depression, and I have come to terms with the issues I have with myself. So why, today of all days, have I woken up feeling so worthless?

Maybe it's because once again I have spent every penny I have and I am now totally and completely broke. Maybe it's because I worked late last night, overslept and now feel guilty about missing my lecture/picking up library books. Maybe it's because I had a heart attack because my laptop wouldn't turn on properly and I thought I'd lost all my uni work. Maybe it's an amalgamation of all of these events, but the fact of the matter is that I am not happy.

Will a shower do me good? How about a good meal? I can't answer these questions because I just don't know what makes me feel better in these situations. I've lost the coping mechanism I used to have for dealing with these moods, which I don't regret, but it still sucks that I'm now stuck like this.

I'll tell you what made today better. Getting that little bit closer to my 2:1 which will hopefully get me my Masters degree.




Background Blog: Mixed emotions and an amazing song.